Mentor or Mentee: Who Starts the Relationship?
Why is it so difficult to find a great mentor? Most leaders can quickly point to one who was pivotal to their own success, and yet, they hesitate to turn around and be that figure for someone else. Which got me thinking—whose job is it really to form and maintain a mentoring relationship? Is it the mentor or the mentee who gets the party started?
I can understand a hesitancy from either camp in ‘making the first move’. For more experienced staff, a logical framing could be—look, I’m already helping you out by sharing my wisdom and insights, the least you can do is make the ask and set up the appointment. While for the less experienced—a fear of being a nuisance or over-stepping could be enough of a deterrent to keep them silent—particularly in a time when billable hours and heavy workloads are discussed ad nauseam.
At a first glance, corporate mentoring programs appear to be the perfect solution. Touted by companies as the best thing since sliced bread, these programs could be ideal in eliminating the fear or effort around being the first to reach out. But sadly, there is an often overlooked disconnect between simply having a program, and having a successful one. The missing ingredient? Trust.
Trust is essential in moving beyond a LinkedIn bio recitation, to a meaningful and purposeful mentorship. Think about it—foundational to this pairing is a power dynamic; I need to know that I can trust you, before I let down my guard and confide personal information that could ultimately affect my career trajectory in the long run.
So how then, you may ask, is this trusting relationship formed? After all, if a forced paring doesn’t work, and neither party is comfortable reaching out, we seem to have reached an impasse. To this I say, how do you make friends? How do you meet a romantic partner? No one forces you to reach out, and yet you typically feel excited to further a connection.
I think a mentorship should be viewed in a similar light. If the water-cooler banter is kinetic and enjoyable, or you hit it off sitting next to each other at a company lunch, the potential mentor alarm can start to sound. Now here is where I’ll plant my flag. If one of those situations occurs, and a senior and more junior person can cross experiential or generational divides, the more senior person should solicit a follow-up mentoring opportunity.
…breathe in
“Bull$h!t we have enough on our plate.”
breathe out…
I hear you, however, you also have significantly less skin in the game, zero approval risk, a much greater intimidation factor, and many more calendar obligations to work around. Now stay with me. This is only the initial lunch, happy hour, coffee, etc. Afterwards, I think future planning can fall squarely on the mentee, but that initial invitation and signal of openness to share time and expertise, should come from the more experienced individual.
While the benefits of these relationships often skew towards the mentee—i.e. having an advocate, a support system, and a confidante—they can be of service to the mentor as well. You are directly influencing the next generation of leaders in your workplace and beyond, and have the opportunity to help them become stellar performers. Not only is this a rewarding act of service, but it’s also an impactful way to connect with people outside of your regular circle, take in new ideas, and be a powerful presence in someone’s life.
For the mentees—buckle up, the ball is soon to be in your court. Prepped questions, big ideas, open ears, and a curious mind. It takes two to tango and this is no exception. And when the lessons have been learned and our own experience has been gained, it’s our turn to have the confidence and commitment to turn around, extend a hand, and be the mentor we always wanted.