Outgrowing Friendships: When it’s time to move on
It happens to the best of us. You go from knowing every detail of a person’s life, even envisioning standing up in each other's weddings, to catching up once a year or maybe not at all. It feels odd. There wasn’t a big moment or intense argument that led to the lack of connection, but it happened all the same. Two people sharing one path until suddenly the trail split and you found yourself on a new journey entirely alone.
Proximity is the most simple explanation for many. An inseparable childhood friend from kindergarten through 12th grade until you went to different universities. A trauma bond co-worker turned close confidant, but then you took a job in a different state. Sometimes moving a mere city away becomes enough of a barrier to limit the communication until it’s no longer there at all.
Not everyone needs to become a soulmate and the many forms of friendship, proximity friend included, can add their own unique value to your life. Sometimes it’s losing these friends that actually leaves the biggest void in your social circle. When you start over in a new city their absence is palpable as you find yourself desperately looking for a new coffee date and built-in activity pal. The friendship may have had a short sell by date, but that doesn’t lessen the value it added while it was still fresh (sorry that was horrible).
Changing interests is another major culprit in creating a divide with an old friend. This has the potential to feel personal, and give off an I’m better than you vibe, but it shouldn’t. Perhaps you realized that once you stopped wanting to go to the bars Thursday through Saturday, you don’t have as much in common with that person as you thought you did. When the drinking went away and you were forced to have real conversations, the awkward silences became deafening and constant.
There are so many ways these changes can occur. Maybe you noticed that all of your conversations were centered around gossip and you constantly walked away drowning in a guilt and shame hangover. Or perhaps you picked up a granola, outdoorsy personality and your friend prefers 5 star hotels, rooftop bars, and researching which white sneaker is in for 2023. One isn’t better than the other, but if neither person is willing to meet in the middle, or doesn’t want to, you can kiss that friendship goodbye.
In a similar vein, starting to come into your own in different stages of your life can leave some people behind. You’re not outgrowing them, just yourself, and that might not be attractive to everyone. I’ve read that your twenties and thirties are some of your most defining years in terms of developing the core pillars of your personality and it’s important to surround yourself with people who push you, inspire you, and celebrate your positive personal growth. It becomes pretty clear pretty quick who’s going to be along for that journey and who won’t.
Effort in a friendship is always a choice. Any of the barriers mentioned above, be it personal development, moving away, or gaining new hobbies, doesn’t have to be the end of the road in a friendship. In a perfect world, you both buckle up for a wild ride and are committed to finding ways to make it work, no matter the challenges. But sometimes, to know one's fault in particular, the desire to put in that effort is no longer there and the friendship drifts apart naturally. No ill will or hard feelings, just a time in your life to look back on fondly, remember what it used to be, before returning your gaze forward to who you’ve now become.